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Saturday, January 3, 2009
Sunday, December 28, 2008
About Face: Changing the Direction From Which You Seek Happiness
For Christmas, I got a book written by one of my favorite spiritual writers -- Thomas Keating. It's called 'The Human Condition: Contemplation and Transformation.'
Profoundly, he reminds us that we spend much of our lives looking for happiness through avenues that can never produce it. Our misery is produced by looking for love in all the wrong places, as the song goes... Nothing can be more true than when it comes to pathology. Many people's idea of happiness was developed around the relationship or the lies that were told.
But instead of understanding that, people are often held captive in compulsions of repeating the same scenario still trying to find happiness in the very thing that is wired to NOT produce happiness. Not all of this is the result of pathology. Some of it is the result of our own unknowning about where happiness is found -- not outside of ourselves in someone else, instead, inside of ourselves rooted in our own spirituality.
Many of us certainly recognize that looking for happiness in alcohol or drugs is looking in the wrong places. But do we always recognize that looking for happiness even in relationships can be the wrong place? Certainly looking for love
in pathology would never produce the key you were seeking because it cannot be found where you were seeking it.
But sometimes people even look for happiness in what appears to be the RIGHT places -- marriage, children, higher education, careers, service to others only again to find that they are still seeking happiness from the wrong direction.
In religious language the word 'repent' means to 'turn away from.' And I like that concept even from a psychological growth stand point -- that as you find your own path of recovery from the aftermath of the pathological love relationship, your recovery calls you to 'turn away from' the very thing that has produced so much pain for you--the relationship, the choices, the person. In essence, in order for you to find happiness in yourself and in your own (and often single) life, you must 'change the direction from which you are seeking happiness.'
Over the years I have become pretty good at picking up on those who will 'get it' and move on and never repeat the pathological love relationship dynamic again and those who WILL, unfortunately, not change directions from which they are seeking happiness. They might change the FACE from whom they seek happiness, but they are still facing the same direction seeking it. The Institute has been involved in helping hundreds and hundreds of people 'change the direction from which they are seeking happiness' and how to find recovery, healing, growth, and better choices in themselves. We are always consciously trying to expand the way we meet the needs of our growing population of wounded readers.
To that end, I am very excited and proud to announce that we have greatly expanded the direction from which we are trying to reach you! We will be launching our in-depth magazine on January 2, 2009 with the goal in mind of bringing a wider comprehensive approach to your own health, well-being, and healing from the aftermath of pathological love relationships.
Below is new information about how these changes in what we do will effect you, how you can be best prepared to benefit from our services, and what the new face of The Institute will look like!
As we wind down the holidays, the new year always births in me a new hope. Although there is much turmoil in the world right now, be reminded again, that we can always change the direction from which we have been seeking happiness and focus on a brighter future for ourselves and with ourselves.
We look forward to being a bright part of your future in 2009. Thank you for entrusting your care and recovery to us this past year of 2008. We do not take
that privledge lightly.
Much Health & Healing in 2009,
Sandra L. Brown, MA
CEO/The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Psychopathy Education
Profoundly, he reminds us that we spend much of our lives looking for happiness through avenues that can never produce it. Our misery is produced by looking for love in all the wrong places, as the song goes... Nothing can be more true than when it comes to pathology. Many people's idea of happiness was developed around the relationship or the lies that were told.
But instead of understanding that, people are often held captive in compulsions of repeating the same scenario still trying to find happiness in the very thing that is wired to NOT produce happiness. Not all of this is the result of pathology. Some of it is the result of our own unknowning about where happiness is found -- not outside of ourselves in someone else, instead, inside of ourselves rooted in our own spirituality.
Keating says:
"What we experience is our desperate search for happiness where it cannot possibly be found. The key to our happiness is not lost outside somewhere in the grass -- it is not lost outside of ourselves. It was lost inside ourselves. That is where we need to look for it. The chief characteristic of the hman condition is that everybody is looking for this key and noboody knows where to find it. The human condition is thus poignant in the extreme. If you want help as you look for the key in the wrong place, you can get plenty of it, because everybody is looking for it in the wrong place too: where there is more light, pleasure, security, power, acceptance by others. We have a sense of solidarity in the search without any possibility of finding what we are looking for.
The religions of the world have discovered the insight that (non-pathological) human beings are designed for unlimited happiness, the enjoyment of truth, and love without end. This spiritual hunger is part of our nature as beings with a spiritual dimension. Here we are, with an unbounded desire for happiness and not the slightest idea of where to look for it."
Many of us certainly recognize that looking for happiness in alcohol or drugs is looking in the wrong places. But do we always recognize that looking for happiness even in relationships can be the wrong place? Certainly looking for love
in pathology would never produce the key you were seeking because it cannot be found where you were seeking it.
But sometimes people even look for happiness in what appears to be the RIGHT places -- marriage, children, higher education, careers, service to others only again to find that they are still seeking happiness from the wrong direction.
In religious language the word 'repent' means to 'turn away from.' And I like that concept even from a psychological growth stand point -- that as you find your own path of recovery from the aftermath of the pathological love relationship, your recovery calls you to 'turn away from' the very thing that has produced so much pain for you--the relationship, the choices, the person. In essence, in order for you to find happiness in yourself and in your own (and often single) life, you must 'change the direction from which you are seeking happiness.'
Over the years I have become pretty good at picking up on those who will 'get it' and move on and never repeat the pathological love relationship dynamic again and those who WILL, unfortunately, not change directions from which they are seeking happiness. They might change the FACE from whom they seek happiness, but they are still facing the same direction seeking it. The Institute has been involved in helping hundreds and hundreds of people 'change the direction from which they are seeking happiness' and how to find recovery, healing, growth, and better choices in themselves. We are always consciously trying to expand the way we meet the needs of our growing population of wounded readers.
To that end, I am very excited and proud to announce that we have greatly expanded the direction from which we are trying to reach you! We will be launching our in-depth magazine on January 2, 2009 with the goal in mind of bringing a wider comprehensive approach to your own health, well-being, and healing from the aftermath of pathological love relationships.
Below is new information about how these changes in what we do will effect you, how you can be best prepared to benefit from our services, and what the new face of The Institute will look like!
As we wind down the holidays, the new year always births in me a new hope. Although there is much turmoil in the world right now, be reminded again, that we can always change the direction from which we have been seeking happiness and focus on a brighter future for ourselves and with ourselves.
We look forward to being a bright part of your future in 2009. Thank you for entrusting your care and recovery to us this past year of 2008. We do not take
that privledge lightly.
Much Health & Healing in 2009,
Sandra L. Brown, MA
CEO/The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Psychopathy Education
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Fantasy Re-runs or Obsession Interruptus
Everyone knows what 'coitus interruptus' is -- but what you really need to know is what 'emotional obsession interruptus' is!
The last few weeks I have been talking about the inherent traps, pitfalls and perils of the holidays and how people get roped back in to the pathological relationships during 'weak moments' of family fantasizing about normal relationships. I also said that there are no Normal Rockwells, oh, I meant 'Norman' Rockwell's with narcissists and psychopaths. As much as you want to paint the picture of a happy family for a few days a year, that's not what you got. You got a pathological dynamic.
Much to some people's dismay, my abrupt discussion about family fantasizing stirred up many people who wanted to remain in the fantasy at least until January 2nd. So I got some 'interesting' email, shall we say? People unsubscribing from the newsletter because "They strongly disagree with the content" or "Find the content offensive." ?!?!
Obviously these are people still in the relationship or setting up and planning on going back in the relationship so they are not 'lonely' during the holidays. As we discussed -- loneliness is subjective. You're with them but you are STILL lonely because pathology doesn't pay attention to anything other than itself.
One of my brilliant protege's, Carol, has SOOOO understood the issue about pathology, personality disorders and the lies you tend to tell yourself -- wrote me this brilliant analogy of people who don't want to 'get it' during the holidays. She is speaking for the people who wrote to unsubscribe with a blazing reality of their denial...
This 'emotional obsession interruptus' as I like to call it, is a re-framing technique that works incredibly well when said outloud. I wrote some of them in my last newsletter (which prompted some of the people being offended when I suggested that being with a narcissist or psychopath during the holidays isn't a good idea....)
Repeat Carol's version often... but say it OUT LOUD and not merely just read silently.
Fantasizing normal family life during the holidays is nothing new. During the holidays, families see each other THEN even if they haven't seen each other all year. It's probably why there are more deaths from November -- January than any other time of the year -- sometimes self induced and other times from accidents during times they are extremely upset.
The truth is people want healthy families. They want what they see others have --enjoyable and meaningful relationships. Then they try to reproduce that with their own families who may not have the same capacity for normality. Pathological people have challenges that interrupt their ability to sustain the
change you want them to make to make your holidays 'normal.' 'Wanting' to have JUST ONE Christmas in which everyone gets along, there is no fighting, no one gets drunk or hits someone, or no one overtly insults others doesn't mean that the pathologicals in your life have the ABILITY to give that to you. Sometimes it's a set up for bitter disappointments to really want just one year of a holiday like 'other' people have.
Repetition compulsion is often re-enacted during the holidays. This is repeating the same or similar event over and over hoping & trying to get a different and satisfying outcome. This is sadly what we often see in Adult Children of Pathological Parents. At 43 they are STILL trying to have that ONE Christmas with a narcissistic mother or a borderline father so that a healing can take place in them.
Each year they start the season with the same hope that this year the parent, sibling or partner will do something kind and sweet or will 'behave' during the holidays. They desperately feel like they need one restorative experience to heal their dysfunctional family memories. Repetition compulsion can leave adults trapped in this never ending desire for just one good experience but now, they have pulled their own children into the same cycle creating an inter-generational experience of exposure to pathology. (Ever see the movie 'Stuart Saves His Family?')
While it is painful to face the reality that pathology is related to the inability to change, grow, or have insight about their own behavior, it's less painful than putting yourself and your children through another cycle of hope and despair that mounts on December 26. Pathological parents, siblings, or partners can challenge the holidays in ways that are kinder to yourself to just avoid.
Take time for yourself this holiday season. Be kind to YOU!
The last few weeks I have been talking about the inherent traps, pitfalls and perils of the holidays and how people get roped back in to the pathological relationships during 'weak moments' of family fantasizing about normal relationships. I also said that there are no Normal Rockwells, oh, I meant 'Norman' Rockwell's with narcissists and psychopaths. As much as you want to paint the picture of a happy family for a few days a year, that's not what you got. You got a pathological dynamic.
Much to some people's dismay, my abrupt discussion about family fantasizing stirred up many people who wanted to remain in the fantasy at least until January 2nd. So I got some 'interesting' email, shall we say? People unsubscribing from the newsletter because "They strongly disagree with the content" or "Find the content offensive." ?!?!
Obviously these are people still in the relationship or setting up and planning on going back in the relationship so they are not 'lonely' during the holidays. As we discussed -- loneliness is subjective. You're with them but you are STILL lonely because pathology doesn't pay attention to anything other than itself.
One of my brilliant protege's, Carol, has SOOOO understood the issue about pathology, personality disorders and the lies you tend to tell yourself -- wrote me this brilliant analogy of people who don't want to 'get it' during the holidays. She is speaking for the people who wrote to unsubscribe with a blazing reality of their denial...
(read this with some sarcasm....)
"I am offended that someone shed the light on psychopathy in the newsletter.
I am offended that I might be set free from my psychopath. I am happy and joyous to be in the secret and dark world of my psychopath.
I am happy to unsubscribe from the very thing that might set me free
from my soul destroying psychopath.
I am happy to continue on the path through hell with my charming psychopath.
I enjoy my holiday more when I spend them with a pathological."
This 'emotional obsession interruptus' as I like to call it, is a re-framing technique that works incredibly well when said outloud. I wrote some of them in my last newsletter (which prompted some of the people being offended when I suggested that being with a narcissist or psychopath during the holidays isn't a good idea....)
Repeat Carol's version often... but say it OUT LOUD and not merely just read silently.
Fantasizing normal family life during the holidays is nothing new. During the holidays, families see each other THEN even if they haven't seen each other all year. It's probably why there are more deaths from November -- January than any other time of the year -- sometimes self induced and other times from accidents during times they are extremely upset.
The truth is people want healthy families. They want what they see others have --enjoyable and meaningful relationships. Then they try to reproduce that with their own families who may not have the same capacity for normality. Pathological people have challenges that interrupt their ability to sustain the
change you want them to make to make your holidays 'normal.' 'Wanting' to have JUST ONE Christmas in which everyone gets along, there is no fighting, no one gets drunk or hits someone, or no one overtly insults others doesn't mean that the pathologicals in your life have the ABILITY to give that to you. Sometimes it's a set up for bitter disappointments to really want just one year of a holiday like 'other' people have.
Repetition compulsion is often re-enacted during the holidays. This is repeating the same or similar event over and over hoping & trying to get a different and satisfying outcome. This is sadly what we often see in Adult Children of Pathological Parents. At 43 they are STILL trying to have that ONE Christmas with a narcissistic mother or a borderline father so that a healing can take place in them.
Each year they start the season with the same hope that this year the parent, sibling or partner will do something kind and sweet or will 'behave' during the holidays. They desperately feel like they need one restorative experience to heal their dysfunctional family memories. Repetition compulsion can leave adults trapped in this never ending desire for just one good experience but now, they have pulled their own children into the same cycle creating an inter-generational experience of exposure to pathology. (Ever see the movie 'Stuart Saves His Family?')
While it is painful to face the reality that pathology is related to the inability to change, grow, or have insight about their own behavior, it's less painful than putting yourself and your children through another cycle of hope and despair that mounts on December 26. Pathological parents, siblings, or partners can challenge the holidays in ways that are kinder to yourself to just avoid.
Take time for yourself this holiday season. Be kind to YOU!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Triggers & Knee Jerk Reactions During the Holidays
The holidays are stressful under the best of situations. Add to it a dangerous and pathological relationship and you have a prescription for **guaranteed** unhappiness.
The pathological relationship never lies dormant during the holidays. It's an opportunity for them to recontact you -- of course "just to wish you a Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays." If you have been following my 'Starve the Vampire' teaching on no contact and the hooks he will use to get you back in... here's one: Christmas! (or The Holidays!)
A text message of Happy Holidays is not good cheer. It's a hook. A Holiday Card is not a mass card to everyone -- it is a targeted approach for you. A gift left on your door step isn't a thoughtful gift -- it's a manipulation because being the good girl you are, you'll call and thank him and then he'll have you on the phone... and it all goes down hill from there.
Then there's the mistletoe, and the date for New Year's Eve, and the gift he left for your child or your parents... The holidays are one BIG OP-POR-TU-NITY for Mr.
Opportunistic.
The No Contact rule still applies and he'll be testing your boundaries to see if it applies during the holidays. If it DOESN'T apply and you responded to him or sent him a text/ card/ call, you have just taught him where your loophole is. You also said something very LOUD to him. You just screamed in his ear "I'm Lonely! I don't want to be alone for the holidays." And you know what he's thinking, "You don't have to ask TWICE!"
Ladies, Christmas, as well as the other Holidays this month are the ONE day of the year that is laced with a lot of triggering memories.
Maybe from childhood where you believe "miracles happen on Christmas" or "everyone should be together for the Holidays" or the sights, smells, and memories of past Christmases with him are rehashing in your mind. Don't stay stuck in that 'air brushed Christmas memory' -- how about you pull out your memory list from the other 363 days of the year and how he behaved then? Don't base contacting him on one night with the twinkle of Christmas tree lights and a ribbon on a gift. That doesn't make a pathological stable!
Get out of the fantasy.
The Holidays have has a way of hypnotizing women into the fantasy of their positive behavior and their lack of pathology. Nothing changed because we hit the Holiday season. It's just a BIGGER opportunity for him to hook you.
If you're still with the pathological person, they can be very sabotaging at this time of year wanting to strip every little piece of joy you could get from the season away. They get drunk, pick fights, say mean things to your family, yell at the kids, and don't participate.
Don't react. Have a great Holiday while he wallows around in that puddle of pathology.
You know one of the things we found out in our research? You guys tested unbelieveably high in 'sentimentality'. What are the holidays all about? SENTIMENT! If your sentiment is on caffeine, what do you think it will do? Be restrained or have a knee jerk reaction because all that sentiment is coursing through your veins?
One slip up now could cost you a year of trying to get rid of him again. Call a support person and tell them you VOW to them not to have contact this season. Then make plans to fill up your time so it's not even a possibility.
I have 'lectured' about loneliness because this 4 inch stack of research sitting on my desk that you ladies filled out, tells me that you lapse and lapse and lapse again when you feel lonely. Holidays induce loneliness. Plan ahead and safe guard. "I was lonely" is not an excuse for starting something that will once again
destroy your life!"
Instead, do something wonderful with your kids. Get outside, take a walk, go to a movie with friends, do some scrapbooking, get some of our books to read, go to a nursing home and visit someone! Sit in a chapel alone and count blessings, walk your dog more, go to the gym! Do anything except have a knee jerk reaction to your excessive sentimentality gene!!
The pathological relationship never lies dormant during the holidays. It's an opportunity for them to recontact you -- of course "just to wish you a Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays." If you have been following my 'Starve the Vampire' teaching on no contact and the hooks he will use to get you back in... here's one: Christmas! (or The Holidays!)
A text message of Happy Holidays is not good cheer. It's a hook. A Holiday Card is not a mass card to everyone -- it is a targeted approach for you. A gift left on your door step isn't a thoughtful gift -- it's a manipulation because being the good girl you are, you'll call and thank him and then he'll have you on the phone... and it all goes down hill from there.
Then there's the mistletoe, and the date for New Year's Eve, and the gift he left for your child or your parents... The holidays are one BIG OP-POR-TU-NITY for Mr.
Opportunistic.
The No Contact rule still applies and he'll be testing your boundaries to see if it applies during the holidays. If it DOESN'T apply and you responded to him or sent him a text/ card/ call, you have just taught him where your loophole is. You also said something very LOUD to him. You just screamed in his ear "I'm Lonely! I don't want to be alone for the holidays." And you know what he's thinking, "You don't have to ask TWICE!"
Ladies, Christmas, as well as the other Holidays this month are the ONE day of the year that is laced with a lot of triggering memories.
Maybe from childhood where you believe "miracles happen on Christmas" or "everyone should be together for the Holidays" or the sights, smells, and memories of past Christmases with him are rehashing in your mind. Don't stay stuck in that 'air brushed Christmas memory' -- how about you pull out your memory list from the other 363 days of the year and how he behaved then? Don't base contacting him on one night with the twinkle of Christmas tree lights and a ribbon on a gift. That doesn't make a pathological stable!
Get out of the fantasy.
The Holidays have has a way of hypnotizing women into the fantasy of their positive behavior and their lack of pathology. Nothing changed because we hit the Holiday season. It's just a BIGGER opportunity for him to hook you.
If you're still with the pathological person, they can be very sabotaging at this time of year wanting to strip every little piece of joy you could get from the season away. They get drunk, pick fights, say mean things to your family, yell at the kids, and don't participate.
Don't react. Have a great Holiday while he wallows around in that puddle of pathology.
You know one of the things we found out in our research? You guys tested unbelieveably high in 'sentimentality'. What are the holidays all about? SENTIMENT! If your sentiment is on caffeine, what do you think it will do? Be restrained or have a knee jerk reaction because all that sentiment is coursing through your veins?
One slip up now could cost you a year of trying to get rid of him again. Call a support person and tell them you VOW to them not to have contact this season. Then make plans to fill up your time so it's not even a possibility.
I have 'lectured' about loneliness because this 4 inch stack of research sitting on my desk that you ladies filled out, tells me that you lapse and lapse and lapse again when you feel lonely. Holidays induce loneliness. Plan ahead and safe guard. "I was lonely" is not an excuse for starting something that will once again
destroy your life!"
Instead, do something wonderful with your kids. Get outside, take a walk, go to a movie with friends, do some scrapbooking, get some of our books to read, go to a nursing home and visit someone! Sit in a chapel alone and count blessings, walk your dog more, go to the gym! Do anything except have a knee jerk reaction to your excessive sentimentality gene!!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
How To NOT Go Back/ Hook Up During The Holidays
Last week I wrote about the "Power of Relapsing' and got many emails saying "THANK YOU for writing about it as I was thinking about going back to the relationship just so I wasn't alone during the holidays! You saved me from a disaster!"
Here's a secret:
Holidays are extremely stressful times. It's a time when it is more likely:s
sure beats pathology as a gift.
Here's a real gift for you -- some tips!
TIPS FOR A HAPPIER/HEATHIER HOLIDAY
http://www.howtospotadangerousman.com/Audio/Christmas2008Message.mp3
Ever feel like you CAN'T do something --leave, change your life, rearrange your patterns of selection? Even the animal kingdom can do extraordinary things when they can to. Watch this and be awe-inspired!
Here's a secret:
"Even if you go back, you're still alone. You've been alone the entire time because by nature of their disorder, they can't be there for you. So you're alone -- now; in the holidays; or with them. With them, you have more drama, damage and danger. Your choice...."People relapse and go back into relationships more from Thanksgiving thru Valentines Day than any other time of the year. Why? So many great holidays to fake it in! Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, V-Day... then PHOOEY! You're out. Why not be out now and stay out and save face. You're not fooling anyone... not yourself, them, or your family and friends.
Holidays are extremely stressful times. It's a time when it is more likely:s
- For domestic violence to occur
- For dysfunctional families to be even MORE dysfunctional
- People drink more
- People binge eat because of the stress
- Some feel pressured to 'be in a relationship' during the holidays and accept dates or stay with dangerous persons to 'just get through the holidays'
- To overspend
- To not get enough rest
- It's an idealistic time when people have more depression and anxiety than any other time of the year. Depression creeps in, anxiety increases, to cope they eat/drink/spend/date in ways they normally would not.
You can't make a 'picture postcard memory' with a psychopath or a narcissist.Here's a mantra to say out loud for yourself "I'm pretending that staying/going back with a psychopath/narcissist will make my holidays better." Pretty ridiculous thought, isn't it? Something happens when you say the REAL thing out loud. It takes all the romaticization and fantasy out of the thought and smacks a little reality in your face.
"I want to be with a psychopath/ narcissist for the holiday." Say that three times to yourself out loud....NO!! That's not what you want. That's what you GOT. You want to be with a nice man/ woman/ person for the holidays. As you VERY well know, they're not it.
"I want to share my special holidays with my special psychopath." ???Nope. That's not it either. But that's what's going to happen unless you buck up and start telling yourself the truth. It's O.K. to be by yourself for the holidays. It
sure beats pathology as a gift.
Here's a real gift for you -- some tips!
TIPS FOR A HAPPIER/HEATHIER HOLIDAY
- Stop idealizing--you are who you are, it is what it is. If your family isn't perfect, they certainly WON'T be during the season. In fact, everyone acts WORSE during the holidays. It is the peak of dysfunction. Accept yourself and others for who they are.
- Don't feel pressured to eat more/spend more/drink more than you want to. Remind yourself you have choices and that the word 'No' is a complete sentence.
- Take quiet time during the season or you'll get run over by the sheer speed of the holidays. Pencil it in like you would any other appointment. Buy your own present now -- some bubble bath and spend quality time with some bubbles by yourself.
- Light a candle, find 5 things to be grateful for. Repeat often.
- Take same-sex friends to parties and don't feel OBLIGATED to go with someone you don't want to go with.
- People end up in the worse binds of going to parties with others and get stuck in relationships they don't want to be in because of it. Find a few other friends who are willing to be 'party partners' during the holidays.
- Give to others in need. The best way to get out of your own problems is to give to others whose problems exceed yours. Give to a charity, feed the homeless, buy toys for kids.
- Find time for spiritual reflection. It's the only way to really feel the season and reconnect. Go to a service, pray, meditate, reflect.
- Pick ONE growth-oriented issue you'd like to focus on for 2009 and begin cultivating it in your mind -- look for resources you can use to kick start your own growth on January 1.
- Plant joy -- in yourself, in your life and in others.
http://www.howtospotadangerousman.com/Audio/Christmas2008Message.mp3
Ever feel like you CAN'T do something --leave, change your life, rearrange your patterns of selection? Even the animal kingdom can do extraordinary things when they can to. Watch this and be awe-inspired!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Power of Relapsing
Never before in my 20 year career have I seen more 'relapsing back into pathological relationships' than I have lately.
"What's wrong with me? Why do I do this?" they ask.
My answer is -- I don't know... why DO you do it?
"I didn't know what I was doing..."
Yes you did. Contact is a choice.
"I just thought he changed this time."
No you didn't -- you know pathology is permanent.
"I was lonely."
O.K., loneliness is not fatal -- but these relationships often are. Your loneliness and need does not change his permanent disorder.
Nothing has changed except your thoughts about him and the relationship. That's the only change. Since pathology is marked by an inability to change and sustain positive change, your thoughts are the only change in the relationship that there is. And maybe your desire or need.
Relapsing begins FIRST in the mind long before it becomes a behavior-seeking missile that is fired off to destroy yourself and your recovery. This is why being in a Pathological Love Relationship Support Group is so important -- whether that's in a chat forum, an in-person support group you attend, or an online tele-conferencing group. You need support that keeps your THINKING outside of the fantasy zone. Without support, you are likely to sink right back into the old fantasy hopefulness that keeps you glued to a go-nowhere and dangerous relationship.
Relapse Thinking sounds like this in your head:
Every time you go through one of these cycles of relapses, it just numbs you more to why you should be out. It makes it easier and easier to relapse. And easier for the thinking to start back up in your head and be totally unrecognized by you.
Damage is done to YOU each time you are in and out of the pathological love relationship, damaging your sense of reality even further -- training YOURSELF how to hypnotize your belief system with one of the thinking phrases listed above. You are also teaching the pathological how to get you back in the relationship.
They aren't stupid! They are master behavior analysts that study what works with you. Stop teaching them!
There is so much that the pathological relationship has legitimately done and damaged in you. But there is so much you DO TO YOURSELF in your relapsing. Relapse prevention requires work. It doesn't just 'happen' that you declare you are 'done' and you stay gone. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole community to help you get out and stay out until MUCH MORE TIME down the road, you are strong enough on your own.
I said, MUCH MORE TIME.
Day one of healing does not happen until you are out and have been out and have been emotionally disconnected for SEVERAL months. People who say they are recovering but are in and out and having constant relapse contact, I don't consider to have even day-one under their belt.
Unwedge yourself!
"What's wrong with me? Why do I do this?" they ask.
My answer is -- I don't know... why DO you do it?
"I didn't know what I was doing..."
Yes you did. Contact is a choice.
"I just thought he changed this time."
No you didn't -- you know pathology is permanent.
"I was lonely."
O.K., loneliness is not fatal -- but these relationships often are. Your loneliness and need does not change his permanent disorder.
Nothing has changed except your thoughts about him and the relationship. That's the only change. Since pathology is marked by an inability to change and sustain positive change, your thoughts are the only change in the relationship that there is. And maybe your desire or need.
Relapsing begins FIRST in the mind long before it becomes a behavior-seeking missile that is fired off to destroy yourself and your recovery. This is why being in a Pathological Love Relationship Support Group is so important -- whether that's in a chat forum, an in-person support group you attend, or an online tele-conferencing group. You need support that keeps your THINKING outside of the fantasy zone. Without support, you are likely to sink right back into the old fantasy hopefulness that keeps you glued to a go-nowhere and dangerous relationship.
Relapse Thinking sounds like this in your head:
- You take all the material you've learned from books or online back to the pathological and try to convince them they are pathological and need help.
- You tell them what your counselor has said about them, you, or the relationship--hoping the impact from a professional will 'change their mind' about their condition.
- You say, "Now that I 'think' I know what 'might' be wrong with them, I'll wait and watch for them to do these behaviors. Then I'll have evidence for why I'm leaving."
- When they, in fact DO one of the behaviors, you either point it out to them as proof you were right, or, you find reasons why the behavior isn't 'exactly' what you read and therefore, they may not be pathological afterall!
- You read the materials and literature looking to find all the traits they don't have. You reread the literature on good days so you can cross off behaviors they aren't doing today.
- You find reasons to disbelieve the literature about the disorder.
- You avoid your counselor, this website, or others who know about the disorder.
- You become 'spiritually hopeful' so you can stay in the relationship because "God is going to heal them."
- You begin reading 'Positive' Psychology materials so you can HOPE he can change - even though pathology is about no-change.
- You call his girlfriends or exes to get them to confirm or deny he's pathological.
- You hire a private investigator to follow them, hack into their phone or computer, for 'just a little more info' on why you should leave them (but then, you don't leave.)
- You feel sorry for them more than you feel anger for your own pain.
- You focus on the few good times and stuff your own feelings about the deceitful behavior.
- You encourage them to carrot-dangle some future hope or potential to you so you can say "We're try it ONE MORE time."
- You think you are confronting them because you stand up to them and so you are not being victimized by them if you are voicing your thoughts.
- You minimize their previous deceitful, manipulative, dangerous, exploitative or lethal beahvior by saying "I was probably over exaggerating it."
- You label yourself "just as sick as they are" so you might as well stay with them. No one healthy would want you.
- You envy their lack of conscience and remorse and see it as a 'good life' feature and wish you were like that and cared less about what happened to you. Everything seems to go their way when they lack conscience.
- You hyper-focus on their behavior and avoid taking care of yourself. The relationship/them become the reason for: your unhappiness, health, financial, or other problems.
- You study to death all the traits of every kind of disorder you think they might have and don't leave because you 'want to totally understand it before you leave' and need 'just a little bit more' understanding or validation from others -- their family, their therapist, your therapist, your friends, etc.
- You start softening, missing them, minimizing their behavior, focusing on your own loneliness, panic about who or what they are doing, make excuses to have contact with them. And ~ VIOLA~ you're back in.
Every time you go through one of these cycles of relapses, it just numbs you more to why you should be out. It makes it easier and easier to relapse. And easier for the thinking to start back up in your head and be totally unrecognized by you.
Damage is done to YOU each time you are in and out of the pathological love relationship, damaging your sense of reality even further -- training YOURSELF how to hypnotize your belief system with one of the thinking phrases listed above. You are also teaching the pathological how to get you back in the relationship.
They aren't stupid! They are master behavior analysts that study what works with you. Stop teaching them!
There is so much that the pathological relationship has legitimately done and damaged in you. But there is so much you DO TO YOURSELF in your relapsing. Relapse prevention requires work. It doesn't just 'happen' that you declare you are 'done' and you stay gone. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole community to help you get out and stay out until MUCH MORE TIME down the road, you are strong enough on your own.
I said, MUCH MORE TIME.
Day one of healing does not happen until you are out and have been out and have been emotionally disconnected for SEVERAL months. People who say they are recovering but are in and out and having constant relapse contact, I don't consider to have even day-one under their belt.
- For those of you who are truly ready to start a new life, we are here to help you.
- If you are still playing cat and mouse games with pathology, contact us when you're serious.
Unwedge yourself!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Verbal Bulimia and The Art of Over-Disclosure
I wrote about it my Dangerous Man book, rediscussed in Women Who Love Psychopaths, and frequently remind everyone in the newsletters and yet I still see this embarrassing behavior among women that not only sounds GROSS to anyone else listening but also puts her at tremendous risk amongst pathologicals.
Years ago when I had a few psychopaths in group I asked them how they picked out their 'targets' and from the mouth of babes they said ,"I just listen. If you get them talking, they rapidly over - disclose. Women tell WAY too much! You pick up everything they just said -- what they like, their values. Feed it back to them. Become what they are looking for. And ~ VIOLA~ you're in!"
On my flight back from the Dangerous Man Workshop Cruise to Cozumel, I had one of those embarrassing women sitting in front of me. Ladies, this is the kind of person that makes you want to switch genders so not to be associated with the behavior! She was purposefully loud so that others would hear her. Infact, she was
so loud, the rows around her couldn't even have their own private conversations because she was holding 'court' in the middle of the plane where it was mostly men.
LOUDLY she announces to a girlfriend (who must have been deaf either before the conversation started which is why she YELLED or afterwards from yelling in her ear) that she was going to THE CLIFFS where she OWNED a CONDO so she COULD GOLF on TIGER WOODS golf course (am annuncinating the way she did with her volume on the important parts of her braggidous story). And that she FLEW back and forth to her OTHER HOME to THE CLIFFS to enjoy THE COUNTRY CLUB and GOLFING.
(Just imagine if you were a psychopath sitting within ear range of this conversation...)
Oh, and THANKSGIVING, she was going to have 35 people over AND HER LARGE DINING ROOM could easily accommodate them. She was going to HAVE A COOK COME IN and help her prepare the meal. And ANYONE WHO NEEDED A PLACE TO BE on Thanksgiving was welcome to come (as she offered with a gesture of her hand to those sitting around her).
(The psychopath is totalling up how much her silver and Plasma TVs are worth about now....)
Then it was on to her OTHER VACATION travels she has recently done... while everyone else around her were rolling their eyes and sticking their fingers in their ears
(except for the psychopaths on board who were checking to make sure they had packed their sun tan lotion -- planning on a trip WITH her.)
Glory to God, the plane landed and it seemed like I could get away from her. She stood up, adjusted her breasts, fluffed her hair, and sucked her stomach in as she noticed the guy in my row had a 3 piece suit on (gag!) a gold chain and to her ,I guess, 'potential.' This highly accomplished multi-home owner who had been loudly touting her own virtues, all of a sudden couldn't manage to get her bag out of the overhead, turning into Scarlett O'Hara "Could some big strong man help little ol' me here?"
She was staring straight at the gold-chain guy, so he felt obliged. Then she inserted something that had nothing to do with her bag being stuck. She stuck her hip out and leaned into his face
"You know what I HATE?"
"What?" he asks.
"There are 3 lanes on a highway--one for 70 miles per hour, one for 80, the last one for me -- which is get out of my way! The thing that drives me the MOST crazy in the whole world ...."
(I'm wondering Poverty? Abuse? World Hunger? Obviously not psychopaths -- what?)
...is people who drive too slow so that I can't roar my BMW Z4 at 95-100 miles per hour."
She glances around to see who MIGHT have heard her. I have my therapy gaze on her now -- like "Girl, GET a therapist!!" The guy winces at that statement and stares at his shoes. However, several other guys in line, shift their position to move closer to her. Instead of heading out of the front of the plane they are turning around and heading DOWN the plane not out! What psychopath doesn't want to con her out of a BMW Z4?? Or her Country Club membership? Or that dining room table that seats 35? Or those boobs she just pushed up?
Ok, ok... not ALL women who over-disclose do it so garrishly and obnoxious as this woman. But they DO -- DO IT! There isn't a pathological who isn't wired to 'hear' the hints and hone in on it. They don't have to remember to 'listen' -- it's a natural as breathing to them.
Maybe your disclosure is more subtle like at church "Pray for me, I'm going thru a divorce." Or in online personal ads "Recently divorced attractive woman looking for her soul mate." Or on a chat forum "Yeah, I was really hurt when he ran around on me. I'm just looking for a nice guy to settle down with -- someone who likes children and animals, a church-goer -- someone who shares my love of art and hiking."
TMI! TMI! (Too Much Information!!)
It's hard to remember that all the ears and eyes that are exposed to you are not 'normal' ones. That pathologicals are listening for the 'signs' that are a green light to them to move on you. That includes, any hint of what you're looking for (Fine, I can be that! he says) or loneliness (I'll solve that!) or pain (Oh, baby, you've gotta let me redeem the male species! We aren't ALL like that!).
Some are listening for your financial info (many are parasitic so are looking for ways of living with others so they can convienently lose their jobs while with you) or to just bilk you out of your money quickly and be gone.
Others are listening for your need of a partner, companion, 'just friends' status, a step father for your children, a spiritual mentor, a shoulder to cry on.....
Others are listening to your unrealized dreams that they can 'support' you in your journey to being....a writer, a painter, a therapist, going back to college, starting your own business....
Still others are listening for your needs: Sexually hungry? Emotionally needy? Bored? Unlistened to? Abused? Abandoned? Lonely? Tired? Angry?
Remember the church song when you were little "Be careful little eyes what you see... Be careful little ears what you hear...Be careful little mouth what you say..." Remember that? It reminded us that our eyes, ears, and MOUTH needed to be careful. The song went on "For the Father up above is looking down with love, so be careful little mouth what you speak." If we ONLY had the Father to worry about, this wouldn't be an issue.
1 in 25 or 30 people are pathological. There are ears and eyes watching and listening to you to make you their target.
So, you're probably wondering what I did about the obnoxious, verbally bulimic woman on the plane? I flipped my business card at her with my finger and as 'coincidence' would have it, it landed in her clevage and I kept on walking... Imagine her thoughts as she read my card "The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Psychopathy Education Psychotherapist & Author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Women Who Love Psychopaths."
Too bad the plane was too crowded to turn around and watch!!
Years ago when I had a few psychopaths in group I asked them how they picked out their 'targets' and from the mouth of babes they said ,"I just listen. If you get them talking, they rapidly over - disclose. Women tell WAY too much! You pick up everything they just said -- what they like, their values. Feed it back to them. Become what they are looking for. And ~ VIOLA~ you're in!"
On my flight back from the Dangerous Man Workshop Cruise to Cozumel, I had one of those embarrassing women sitting in front of me. Ladies, this is the kind of person that makes you want to switch genders so not to be associated with the behavior! She was purposefully loud so that others would hear her. Infact, she was
so loud, the rows around her couldn't even have their own private conversations because she was holding 'court' in the middle of the plane where it was mostly men.
LOUDLY she announces to a girlfriend (who must have been deaf either before the conversation started which is why she YELLED or afterwards from yelling in her ear) that she was going to THE CLIFFS where she OWNED a CONDO so she COULD GOLF on TIGER WOODS golf course (am annuncinating the way she did with her volume on the important parts of her braggidous story). And that she FLEW back and forth to her OTHER HOME to THE CLIFFS to enjoy THE COUNTRY CLUB and GOLFING.
(Just imagine if you were a psychopath sitting within ear range of this conversation...)
Oh, and THANKSGIVING, she was going to have 35 people over AND HER LARGE DINING ROOM could easily accommodate them. She was going to HAVE A COOK COME IN and help her prepare the meal. And ANYONE WHO NEEDED A PLACE TO BE on Thanksgiving was welcome to come (as she offered with a gesture of her hand to those sitting around her).
(The psychopath is totalling up how much her silver and Plasma TVs are worth about now....)
Then it was on to her OTHER VACATION travels she has recently done... while everyone else around her were rolling their eyes and sticking their fingers in their ears
(except for the psychopaths on board who were checking to make sure they had packed their sun tan lotion -- planning on a trip WITH her.)
Glory to God, the plane landed and it seemed like I could get away from her. She stood up, adjusted her breasts, fluffed her hair, and sucked her stomach in as she noticed the guy in my row had a 3 piece suit on (gag!) a gold chain and to her ,I guess, 'potential.' This highly accomplished multi-home owner who had been loudly touting her own virtues, all of a sudden couldn't manage to get her bag out of the overhead, turning into Scarlett O'Hara "Could some big strong man help little ol' me here?"
She was staring straight at the gold-chain guy, so he felt obliged. Then she inserted something that had nothing to do with her bag being stuck. She stuck her hip out and leaned into his face
"You know what I HATE?"
"What?" he asks.
"There are 3 lanes on a highway--one for 70 miles per hour, one for 80, the last one for me -- which is get out of my way! The thing that drives me the MOST crazy in the whole world ...."
(I'm wondering Poverty? Abuse? World Hunger? Obviously not psychopaths -- what?)
...is people who drive too slow so that I can't roar my BMW Z4 at 95-100 miles per hour."
She glances around to see who MIGHT have heard her. I have my therapy gaze on her now -- like "Girl, GET a therapist!!" The guy winces at that statement and stares at his shoes. However, several other guys in line, shift their position to move closer to her. Instead of heading out of the front of the plane they are turning around and heading DOWN the plane not out! What psychopath doesn't want to con her out of a BMW Z4?? Or her Country Club membership? Or that dining room table that seats 35? Or those boobs she just pushed up?
Ok, ok... not ALL women who over-disclose do it so garrishly and obnoxious as this woman. But they DO -- DO IT! There isn't a pathological who isn't wired to 'hear' the hints and hone in on it. They don't have to remember to 'listen' -- it's a natural as breathing to them.
Maybe your disclosure is more subtle like at church "Pray for me, I'm going thru a divorce." Or in online personal ads "Recently divorced attractive woman looking for her soul mate." Or on a chat forum "Yeah, I was really hurt when he ran around on me. I'm just looking for a nice guy to settle down with -- someone who likes children and animals, a church-goer -- someone who shares my love of art and hiking."
TMI! TMI! (Too Much Information!!)
It's hard to remember that all the ears and eyes that are exposed to you are not 'normal' ones. That pathologicals are listening for the 'signs' that are a green light to them to move on you. That includes, any hint of what you're looking for (Fine, I can be that! he says) or loneliness (I'll solve that!) or pain (Oh, baby, you've gotta let me redeem the male species! We aren't ALL like that!).
Some are listening for your financial info (many are parasitic so are looking for ways of living with others so they can convienently lose their jobs while with you) or to just bilk you out of your money quickly and be gone.
Others are listening for your need of a partner, companion, 'just friends' status, a step father for your children, a spiritual mentor, a shoulder to cry on.....
Others are listening to your unrealized dreams that they can 'support' you in your journey to being....a writer, a painter, a therapist, going back to college, starting your own business....
Still others are listening for your needs: Sexually hungry? Emotionally needy? Bored? Unlistened to? Abused? Abandoned? Lonely? Tired? Angry?
Remember the church song when you were little "Be careful little eyes what you see... Be careful little ears what you hear...Be careful little mouth what you say..." Remember that? It reminded us that our eyes, ears, and MOUTH needed to be careful. The song went on "For the Father up above is looking down with love, so be careful little mouth what you speak." If we ONLY had the Father to worry about, this wouldn't be an issue.
1 in 25 or 30 people are pathological. There are ears and eyes watching and listening to you to make you their target.
So, you're probably wondering what I did about the obnoxious, verbally bulimic woman on the plane? I flipped my business card at her with my finger and as 'coincidence' would have it, it landed in her clevage and I kept on walking... Imagine her thoughts as she read my card "The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Psychopathy Education Psychotherapist & Author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Women Who Love Psychopaths."
Too bad the plane was too crowded to turn around and watch!!
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